I've always wanted lots of children.
I just learned that my husband doesn't want anymore.
He wants me. All of me. All of my attention. He wants this mommy to baby him.
He is glad the children are growing and less dependent.
He thinks the kids have had this drastic impact on our sex lives.
Which they have. I'll be the first to admit things aren't the way they were when we were 16.
The kids get up multiple times at night.
The kids run into our room at all hours without knocking.
The kids get most of my attention the majority of the day.
But I'm not ready to be done.
I'm wanting more babies.
I can't imagine my life without more little ones running around.
Sex to me is the least of my worries.
But without intimacy our marriage is worthless. At least to him.
And he seems to think that once the kids are old enough and out of the needy stage that the intimacy will magically re-appear..
I'm not so sure.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
One
Age, loneliness and sorrow are kicking my ass.
I don't reach out for help because I don't like to feel needy and I don't have anyone to help. The emptiness I feel is compounded by the overwhelming sense of helplessness.
I know it's why single people die sooner than married people. There's a lot to say for companionship.
Loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be. It's one of the few things that lives up to the hype.
Unfortunately, nobody asks and we don't tell. It's sad that the condition feeds on itself and we are left to wander.
Lives of solitude are meant to stay that way.
Why doesn't anyone believe in loneliness?
Stand up and everyone will see your holiness.
They say if you look hard,
You'll find your way back home.
Born without a friend
And bound to die alone.
"Zero Chance" Chris Cornell (Soundgarden)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Way You Chew
I think I am going to surprise him, in a very big way. He won't see this coming- though he should. I am breaking up with him again. He won't fool me again by being perfect and coming back... No. Not this time.
Last week at work I was telling a coworker about how I know it's over- she mentioned that you really know it's over when you can't stand the sound of their breathing or the way they chew. She is right.
He picked a fight with me because I didn't do "anything special" for his birthday on Sunday. I am totally broke- but I splurged and made him a dinner I knew he would love. I didn't get him a card- it's paper that would end up in the garage with a million other boxes of junk that belongs to him. HELL! On my birthday HE wasn't even here. He was two states away. He came home with a rock. No, not that kind of rock... A stone, engraved with the word Longevity (in English and Japanese.)
The rock wasn't even from him. It was from his mother- who he was visiting (two states away- planned months in advance.)
Yeah, it's over. Not because of the rock. Not because of the argument(s). It's over because I'm not in love. He's not in love. I'm settling for less than I deserve. Much less! I deserve happiness, and I think that in the long run he will see- even though it will be very hard for him... he will be better off.
Good luck on finding a place to live with half the amenities of this home... I'll be happy to never see your dirty laundry, pepsi cans, piles of crap, cigarette butts...
I will take the good memories and a lesson hard learned, and I will move on.
I'm not telling him yet- because it's a few weeks until finals, and I'm not a bitch.
Last week at work I was telling a coworker about how I know it's over- she mentioned that you really know it's over when you can't stand the sound of their breathing or the way they chew. She is right.
He picked a fight with me because I didn't do "anything special" for his birthday on Sunday. I am totally broke- but I splurged and made him a dinner I knew he would love. I didn't get him a card- it's paper that would end up in the garage with a million other boxes of junk that belongs to him. HELL! On my birthday HE wasn't even here. He was two states away. He came home with a rock. No, not that kind of rock... A stone, engraved with the word Longevity (in English and Japanese.)
The rock wasn't even from him. It was from his mother- who he was visiting (two states away- planned months in advance.)
Yeah, it's over. Not because of the rock. Not because of the argument(s). It's over because I'm not in love. He's not in love. I'm settling for less than I deserve. Much less! I deserve happiness, and I think that in the long run he will see- even though it will be very hard for him... he will be better off.
Good luck on finding a place to live with half the amenities of this home... I'll be happy to never see your dirty laundry, pepsi cans, piles of crap, cigarette butts...
I will take the good memories and a lesson hard learned, and I will move on.
I'm not telling him yet- because it's a few weeks until finals, and I'm not a bitch.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
1 Year
In March it will be one year since I told you goodbye.
I remember coming to the realization that our 10 year relationship just wasn't going to work about three years ago. Things had just changed - I'd changed, you changed, circumstances surrounding us changed. It got more and more difficult to play the charade of the loving girlfriend when in reality I dreaded your visits and saw them more as forced visits - the kind you have with relatives that you see once in a blue moon and you would rather be doing something else than entertaining them.
We also had this countdown to when we were going to "get serious", move in together and think about marriage. As that countdown started winding down I became more depressed. I seriously thought about suicide because I didn't want to hurt your feelings and upset my family yet I also knew I would be horribly miserable with you.
I also wanted to know what life would be like without you. I knew I was strong enough. I've survived being unemployed for over a year so I knew I could survive a broken relationship. But the day that I tearfully told you that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I just couldn't be your girlfriend anymore and no - there was nothing to fix was probably the hardest day of my life. I could almost feel the knife in my hand that I knew I was stabbing into your heart. And it was a horrible feeling.
Around August I reached out to you. Months had passed. I thought maybe things had changed between us. Maybe we could try again. Maybe it would be different this time. I wrote you a letter and mailed it. Never heard from you. I accepted it and moved on.
November you sent me an email and told me that you were sorry my Grandfather had passed and you were still considering my proposal. I was angry. I thought if you had any feelings for me that when you received my letter you would have jumped at the opportunity for a reconciliation but you didn't. Instead you decided to keep this proposal on your back burner as if you were making sure there weren't any other "good deals" out there before you decided to jump back in. Thank God I had enough sense to email you back and tell you that the proposal had an expiration date and you had passed it.
That was the last time I heard from you. You didn't email me back nor have I made any other attempts to contact you. Sometimes I think it's a bad thing, sometimes I think it's for the best.
I told myself that I was going to wait one year until I started getting back into the dating scene. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need two years. The desire for anyone to be back into my life so intimately is uninteresting to me at the moment. I know in time that I'll have that desire again but for now I'm fine with it being just me and my dust bunnies.
I remember coming to the realization that our 10 year relationship just wasn't going to work about three years ago. Things had just changed - I'd changed, you changed, circumstances surrounding us changed. It got more and more difficult to play the charade of the loving girlfriend when in reality I dreaded your visits and saw them more as forced visits - the kind you have with relatives that you see once in a blue moon and you would rather be doing something else than entertaining them.
We also had this countdown to when we were going to "get serious", move in together and think about marriage. As that countdown started winding down I became more depressed. I seriously thought about suicide because I didn't want to hurt your feelings and upset my family yet I also knew I would be horribly miserable with you.
I also wanted to know what life would be like without you. I knew I was strong enough. I've survived being unemployed for over a year so I knew I could survive a broken relationship. But the day that I tearfully told you that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I just couldn't be your girlfriend anymore and no - there was nothing to fix was probably the hardest day of my life. I could almost feel the knife in my hand that I knew I was stabbing into your heart. And it was a horrible feeling.
Around August I reached out to you. Months had passed. I thought maybe things had changed between us. Maybe we could try again. Maybe it would be different this time. I wrote you a letter and mailed it. Never heard from you. I accepted it and moved on.
November you sent me an email and told me that you were sorry my Grandfather had passed and you were still considering my proposal. I was angry. I thought if you had any feelings for me that when you received my letter you would have jumped at the opportunity for a reconciliation but you didn't. Instead you decided to keep this proposal on your back burner as if you were making sure there weren't any other "good deals" out there before you decided to jump back in. Thank God I had enough sense to email you back and tell you that the proposal had an expiration date and you had passed it.
That was the last time I heard from you. You didn't email me back nor have I made any other attempts to contact you. Sometimes I think it's a bad thing, sometimes I think it's for the best.
I told myself that I was going to wait one year until I started getting back into the dating scene. I'm beginning to think that maybe I need two years. The desire for anyone to be back into my life so intimately is uninteresting to me at the moment. I know in time that I'll have that desire again but for now I'm fine with it being just me and my dust bunnies.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
There's a 1st Time for Everything
Today, I did something that I have never done in 10+ years of marriage with my husband.
I looked him square in the eyes as I gave him a blow job.
I know that probably sounds weird, but I am a very insecure person. I always felt that looking him in the eyes may reveal something I am doing wrong, or something he may not be enjoying. But on the contrary, it did the complete opposite. I have never seen him so turned on. It almost empowered me. He even told me that it was part of his fantasies to have me look at him while I did things to/for him.
From now on, my eyes will be open to all sorts of things. Not just blowjobs!
I looked him square in the eyes as I gave him a blow job.
I know that probably sounds weird, but I am a very insecure person. I always felt that looking him in the eyes may reveal something I am doing wrong, or something he may not be enjoying. But on the contrary, it did the complete opposite. I have never seen him so turned on. It almost empowered me. He even told me that it was part of his fantasies to have me look at him while I did things to/for him.
From now on, my eyes will be open to all sorts of things. Not just blowjobs!
Friday, February 13, 2009
SEX (sort of)
One of the most interesting “issues” between men and women for me is Sex. Sex often is the driving force when the relationship starts, and it seems to wane from there. I can truthfully say that I have never met a woman where sex was as important to her as it was for me. Thankfully, I am getting older now, and I only think of some sort of sex about 78% of the time. ( I won’t get into specifics, but it’s not the act of sex exactly that interests me, but it is sex related…..someday, I’ll write about what I mean)
Anyways, the way that I deal with this is very simple. I masturbate. Often. At least once a day, and I’m not ashamed to say that my record is six times in a 24 hour period. I know that this is uncomfortable for some people to hear. But the truth is that Men have been choking the chicken way before it became in style for women to masturbate. Hell, Now-a-days, it’s practically a daily ritual for women too! They even have these little finger gadgets that you can pick up in the grocery stores for women. They have taken the art of masturbation to a new level.
The sad part is that it’s still frowned upon for a man to spank the monkey. We still look like “dirty old men” while women look like they are in style if they twiddle their twat.
I’m not trying to get a rise out of anyone, with this post. I just wanted to get something off of my chest. Now that I have done that, I think it’s time to get something else off.
Mr. X
Anyways, the way that I deal with this is very simple. I masturbate. Often. At least once a day, and I’m not ashamed to say that my record is six times in a 24 hour period. I know that this is uncomfortable for some people to hear. But the truth is that Men have been choking the chicken way before it became in style for women to masturbate. Hell, Now-a-days, it’s practically a daily ritual for women too! They even have these little finger gadgets that you can pick up in the grocery stores for women. They have taken the art of masturbation to a new level.
The sad part is that it’s still frowned upon for a man to spank the monkey. We still look like “dirty old men” while women look like they are in style if they twiddle their twat.
I’m not trying to get a rise out of anyone, with this post. I just wanted to get something off of my chest. Now that I have done that, I think it’s time to get something else off.
Mr. X
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sex
I hate feeling like I HAVE to have sex. I want to WANT sex more. I want to make you happy. I want you to feel satisfied with me. I don't want you to feel bad about wanting sex. I don't want me to feel bad about not wanting so much sex. I hate when it can feel like a chore. I hate it when we are intimate, and then you get upset because I didn't climax. I can't help it. I try, I really do. I hate when it affects your whole week, then in turn affects my whole week. I dread that 3rd day when we haven't had sex because that usually means the silent treatment or a bad mood. I've asked about medicines, but was told they aren't the greatest idea. I blame allot of it on my self esteem. If I felt better about myself, I know I would be more open to sexy things like lingerie and kinky games. But I know you love me the way I am. I hear it all the time. You tell me all the time. But if I don't believe it, it isn't going to help. The gist is.....I love you. All of you....I want to be with you and make love to you...just not every night......
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